Michelle D'Souza
On Learning to Trust
One of the things that I enjoy about being in Goa, India is the ability to walk through lots of natural greenery. Our cozy little home is currently situated in the middle of greenery, small huts, traditional Goan houses and a few small but not well lit roads.
Somehow, night time is magical out here. The stars shine extremely brightly against a beautiful and clear dark sky; even the moon is wonderfully bright. You get to take in the freshness of a clean surrounding as well. In this moment, you realize how gorgeous night time really is. I thought I’d take a break outside to clear my head tonight.
My favorite hang out spot is a particular cross with a little statue of Saint Anthony hidden in the middle. It gives me the chance to walk with one of my best friends as well. In Goa, we have a lot of little crosses, chapels, temples and other little shrines by the roadside that allow you to talk to God/s, Mother Mary and the Saints all night if you want to. I love that aspect of somehow finding quiet solitude in the open. There’s one right by my home but its steep stairs and lack of lighting doesn’t make it my first choice.
I also love meeting up with all the pack dogs of the neighborhood. Although I love dogs, these are not the types you usually want to pet. They act as neighborhood watch dogs and are extremely protective of one another as well as their own selves. I like seeing the dog family in action when a stranger comes walking around.
I usually walk over to Saint Anthony while having to tame my fear. Despite its magic, it takes a lot not to have my mind play a soundtrack to some scary movie I watched a while ago. The rustling in the bushes can sound ominous and when one of the dogs jumps out at you to warn his friends while howling, it can make you a little concerned, to say the least. Even the odd jackfruit looks like it wants to attack you. That’s when I realized it, I was a bit scared.
“Don’t show the dogs fear, they will smell it on you.” My best friend warned me the last time we walked over to see Saint Anthony. That would be a little difficult given that there were about six of them growling at us, all at the same time. She’d look at them but ignore them completely a split second later. They would stop growling right afterwards. The more I worried, the more ferociously they would bark at me.
I had learnt well. I expected tonight to be different and so it was. The neighborhood dogs left us alone and I happily prayed to Saint Anthony. As we walked back, the pack dogs were all asleep. Before we could get into the compound, a new pack of dogs came over, with one rushing right at my best friend. She crackled a chocolate wrapper she had and within seconds, it was our new found buddy.
He kept looking at both of us to pet him and we gratefully did. I love having a chance to interact with dogs, even the stray ones (much to my poor cautious Father’s dismay) if they let me. This one told me his name was Thomas. My oddest psychic ability yet is the ability to read a dog’s essence into a human name. It works. Ask a dog its name and it will tell you! Just don't expect it to be the one you named it. We said goodbye and found ourselves back into the safe, well-lit compound of the brand new, eco-friendly apartment complex we live in.
My best friend and I rushed over to the swings. Yes, we are grown 24 year olds and we realized very early that life is too short to not have simple fun. And there’s nothing ‘simple funner’ than a swing. Both of us ran to our favorite seats, getting ready to compete for who reaches the highest.
That’s when I noticed him. The guy at the bottom floor of the building closest to the swings had come out to watch us. I remembered him from an earlier night. The last time we were on the swings, he turned the light off and tried to watch us in the dark, unaware that his deception was marred by the subtle light coming into his room from a window behind him. Despite being furthest away, I instinctively glanced toward the dark room. I could see his clear silhouette and it made me feel very uncomfortable. At the time, I grabbed my best friend, branded him ‘Weird’ and left. Unfortunately, I had forgotten about it since we hadn’t played on the swings in so long.
We were already seated on the swings. I quietly warned my best friend as this time, he was much bolder. He brought himself out to the balcony and had no qualms about watching us. I glared angrily and loudly mentioned that I didn’t like idiots staring (pardon my French*) and asked my best friend to stay alert. Both our guts were warning us that the situation was dangerous. Before we knew it, he had hopped over his balcony and had taken a seat next to my friend and me.
I started to quickly assess the situation. With the layout being the way that it was, we would have to go past him to get back home. A security guard is always to be stationed by both buildings so he was in close proximity to help but not close enough for us to call out to. By all rational reasoning, yes, he was someone overstepping his limits but would come across as annoying, at best. Somehow though, I had a bad, bad feeling about it. Both of us started planning our escape while he drunkenly tried to speak to us and serenade us badly as well. Both of us went past him, walked around the back as calmly as we possibly could.
Something told me to pay attention to the loud noises coming from the play area that was now obscured by the building we were going behind. In a split second, I was aware he was trying to meet us around the corner without seeing it. I also noticed that the posted security guard was nowhere to be found. “Run and don’t look back…I’m coming with you” I told my friend. Both of us took off, up the stairs (the elevator wasn’t working) and safely found ourselves back into the apartment.
I realized that my little late night walk taught me the simplest lesson about trust. We often go out into the world worried about what we might see. We sometimes find our lessons difficult because we’re reminded of all the scary things we have seen or were told. But the truth is to miss out on the experience of this life lesson would mean missing out on beauty, wonder and unexpected surprises like my happy, little friend ‘Thomas’. Also, the judgment of generalizing everyone might cause you to lose a friend like him as a result of expecting him to be like the others.
To fear things like I did those pack dogs would mean that the situation would mirror itself back to me with them barking even more aggressively. In life, we can’t fear people or things just because it reacts unlike us. To let things go and adopt a new pattern that works better helps us manage the world.
The apartment complex reminds me of the safety of our minds and our thoughts. We seem to feel safest within it. However, out comes that ego to torment you every time you find peace within yourself or happiness within yourself. It will sing to you, it will distract you, all in the hopes of getting your attention and you will know better. It just doesn’t feel right. Acknowledge it and then let it go. Don’t let yourself feel vulnerable. Move away from vulnerable thoughts ASAP.
I get to hear many people say that they wish they were more intuitive. Honey, let me tell you, you’re Mister/Madame Awesome Psychic when it counts. All of us are and it’s the best thing we could hope to have since our survival depends on it.
Intuitive abilities are extremely strengthened by trust and you are rewarded each time. I have heard other people tell me that they wish they were more Clairvoyant, they only feel things. Well in this case, trusting my feelings saved the day.
Let’s be honest, we are not sure when we truly are in danger. It is only by trusting in the one above that we allow ourselves to receive important Divine guidance when we need it despite all rational thinking telling us otherwise. Guidance did not come to me directly in the sense of an angel flying about my face but it did come with a sense of urgency that would have been impossible to ignore. Guidance comes exactly at the right time and in the right form. It is up to you to listen to it.
Did we attract the person at play area in our vibrations? Yes and we were able to realize that we are always protected. Also, it helped us grow magnificently from it, and I hope that it does the same for you.
All my love and hugs,
Michelle
Phael and I.
Archangel Raphael and I don’t go way back. I remember finding myself in a psychic reading at the bookstore with a wonderful reader. Unfortunately, my friend had opted to go in for a reading at the same time that I was to do mine, leaving me with three month old puppy, Laila during a reading.
Laila protested her disinterest immediately. She whimpered and whined while I tried to focus on the reader’s words. A darling who is completely accurate, she was also quite scattered. She managed to give me three readings all at the same time.
As she flipped the cards, Laila raised herself up, pawed at them gently and tried to read a couple more with her nose. Frustrated, the reader asked me to hand over Laila’s treats. It also became clear to me that she was a little afraid of dogs. I reluctantly gave them to her and she quickly threw them all over the floor. Big mistake. Laila had gulped them down in a split second and was now restless with nothing to distract her.
“Michael is here” she continued, trying to ignore the whimpering under her feet. Laila suddenly turned extremely quiet and tilted her head. There she sat, glued to an invisible being. The reader continued, “You’re a healer! Raphael is your angel guide! Wow! I would LOVE to have him for a guide!” I smiled and within a second awkwardly shuffled myself out, hyperactive psychic puppy in tow.
I had been told that ‘Phael was around me quite often, I just wasn’t that interested. Of all the angels, he was the quietest seeming one. While the other angels sounded like amazing swashbucklers, he seemed to stand in the corner just waiting. I was disappointed because he didn’t seem like he had a sense of humor. I assumed he would be telling me what to eat and to knock it off with the junk food and cake. I also didn’t see why I was stuck with a healer angel when I couldn’t even stand the sight of blood.
Soon after, I experienced a bruise on my right calf. It felt like mesh and had even turned lumpy. I recalled a book where I had read about Prayer Healings. I didn’t believe it at the time. In my opinion, prayer could speed things up but they wouldn’t change anything overnight.
It seems that I had forgotten an event that occurred when I was much younger. I had an extra bone in my finger that was causing me a lot of pain to write with. It had miraculously disappeared after a prayer. I assumed miracles didn’t happen too often. I also assumed there was a more rational explanation as to why it happened.
I was still touching the bruise when I figured I would try it. It was late at night and no one was around to disturb me. I quietly asked for the odd looking bruise to be taken away with my hand on it. I saw a bright, golden light and within a second, it was completely gone. I poked at it again. It felt exactly like my left calf…normal. Even the discoloration was gone. I thanked the Angels and continued poking it. I fell asleep still in awe.
Miracles do happen. And I thought it was a great one! I rushed over to ask about miracles in my mentor Ryan’s class, she was channeling Aurora this time. “…you’ll learn that these miracles, as you call them…happen every day”. It didn’t make sense to me. Were miracles that common?
I pondered over Raphael on the way home. His emerald green deck and book felt extremely soothing energetically. My hands relaxed just holding them. I still didn’t see why. I wasn’t as interested in the material. I was happier being oblivious. And I quite like junk food.
I soon learned that energy manifested into the physical world really well. I started to notice that absence of energy would manifest into a lump or a bruise. Certain energies would get stuck, causing problems as well. It’s funny how we link stress to heart disease or high blood pressure but not expect many other emotions to manifest physically. It all follows the same pattern. I poured over books well before my birth that dealt with the subject. Since there are way too many energies to count (I still find new ones daily) and they show up looking differently sometimes, you really have to trust your intuitive sense and guidance. Before I knew it, I would end up blurting out exactly where I was seeing absences or where I sensed the pain was with different individuals without any prior knowledge.
I had no idea how I was receiving the information, but I knew that I had a huge interest in it. I started to work on it some more. Most of the time, I would be learning to use it on Laila. I would charge my hands with the same energy I had first learned to use and would put it over her while standing up, so I was nowhere close to touching her. I would make sure I did this while she was completely distracted. She would still cock her head back and look at me curiously. After she got used to it, she was much more relaxed with it.
I also noticed that Laila was starting to sniff out ailments. Even the ones that had no outward physical appearance such as a painful wrist or knee would not escape her sniff test.
During that time, I was going through quite a problem with my tail bone. It had shifted outward, making it difficult to walk and especially sit. My hips felt heavier with the imbalance as well. I had somehow learned to ignore it as I was so used to the dulling pain.
One morning I woke up to Archangel Raphael’s voice. “…heal your back…” Snxxx Snxxx Whaaa? I groggily woke up. “Oh sure sure, go heal it, totally…” I tried to fall back to sleep. My clairaudient channel had developed well before the incidents. I often awoke to neighbor fights, beings and spirit guide information all at once, so I was not surprised to hear voices in the morning. “No! You put your hand on your tail bone.” He explained, firmly this time. Aww! I didn’t want to even move. It was cold. It was that precise moment in the morning when you know you would do anything to grab those five extra minutes of sleep and now I was to move out and put my hands on my tailbone. I did it and the golden light flashed again. Within a few minutes, my tailbone had set back in. I spent two days adjusting to walking differently as a result.
I was still a little unsure of where to go with the new found ability. I liked learning a lot from it. I also liked how Phael would show up much more often. Suddenly I was seeing him during my readings. I knew immediately that problems would be resolved then. I preferred working with emotions and energy much better than actual bodies. I just didn’t see myself being one to stand around with my hands sending out energy to people in person. I appreciate the ones that do, it just wasn’t for me.
Raphael also showed up soon after I stirred a packet of instant soup in water. That was my idea of healthy eating. I carefully put the bowl on the floor and hopped about 12 human steps to open my Raphael card deck. Always a fighter due to a defect in the box, I pried the box open with force in retaliation. The book on top of the cards fell to my feet, as did most of the cards aside from 6 that seemed to fly in slow motion across my room and right into my soup. I stood there transfixed at how impossible it was for the cards to fly so far and yet there they were…these six cards, right in my soup.
I snapped myself out of it and ran to fish them out. I had to carefully dry them off and realized that they now smelt like ‘Creamy Chicken Noodles Insta-soup’. I was aghast. I put them out to dry and had to laugh a little. “So you do have a sense of humor, after all. Did it have to be the expensive cards, though? You must not like that flavor of soup.”
Somehow, in that moment, I felt the feeling of having a best friend in Raphael but not remembering it. Something in me assumed that I was supposed to forget for a bit before all these incidents came about.
I decided to spend a day out with Laila and three other dogs. There I was reveling in sunshine, grass and four happy, noisy, little dogs. They looked so cheerful that I couldn’t help but join them. Laila was finally free to burn all that energy. I took a look at one of the other little puppies and immediately felt the urge to pick her up. In that split second when I bent down, Laila decided to hop the mini barrier. She leapt flying with full force, charging at my head and we had a head on collision. Literally.
All the dogs turned silent. I was in so much pain that I started crying. I hardly ever get hurt. My best friend ran over to check on me. “Am…am I bleeding? Is she okay?” I was a little shaken up, my hand still over my forehead. “She’s okay, she has a hard head.” That she did. While I was in complete agony, Laila was perfectly fine aside from the worry written all over her face. She looked so upset that I had to bend down again and assure her that I was fine. “Am I bleeding?” I asked again, finally taking the hand off my head. On seeing it, everyone including the dogs took a step back. I had a swollen lump on my head that was growing into half my face’s size.
“OH MY GOD!” I gasped while looking in the mirror. It was now turning a very deep shade of blue. There was no blood. And I was too dizzy to assess any kind of damage. I contemplated the emergency room and promptly remembered that I had no insurance. It was getting bigger by the second. “This is a test. I have to try and heal this one myself.” I said out loud. By this point, I had no problem sounding crazy as I always seemed to be right anyway. This one was a challenge. Especially since I now looked like a cross between Frankenstein and a two headed monster.
Praying was a bit difficult at that moment. I was dizzy with a headache and a little annoyed at the circumstances. Millie, Laila’s older Pekingese play buddy and Laila also decided to have an “It’s all your fault!” and “No, it wasn’t! I didn’t see her!” barking contest while in same the room. I prayed and prayed over it. “Not funny! Take it away this instant.” I had a huge urge for hospital care but I just figured this one would be sorted out without my having to go. Besides, I didn’t enjoy lancing and emergency waiting rooms.
“Raphael, could you please take this one away? I don’t want it. And I like looking pretty….” I kept my hand over my head hoping it would go away completely. The pain was starting to subside but slowly. “Take it away now...” This time, I demanded. “…And do it faster.” I added. The swelling soon dropped down to the size of my forehead, then to the size of my ear to the size of a little bump on the right side. The little bruise served as a reminder that the incident actually happened. I had to touch it to believe it had decreased that quickly.
I did have to rock a slightly emo hairstyle for a few days to cover the little bruise up. Faith-they do test yours.
When I first started doing my own readings, I was given the chance to do a lot of Intuitive Healing. I am not a doctor, nor have I been trained in the medical field. I have deep respect for the Doctors, Nurses and all those in medical field; it is just not something that completely excites me. What I am interested in is locating certain ailments with energy blocks and helping with them the way that I best know how. I am extremely interested in how emotions and thought processes manifest physically in human or animals’ body. I do realize that it always up to the Spirit or physical body in front of me that needs to heal themselves, if they so wish. I am only here to point out what could better be improved or what gives them better peace of mind.
I soon started to give readings at a bookstore. I enjoyed my work there because it felt so much like home. I even enjoyed setting up the table in the Reading room. I also like that Laila got to come along for my job. She had already asserted that she had a job protecting me. And that she did, especially from paying clients.
I eyed the Halloween candy right before I sat down to do readings. It was a week before Halloween and Valencia, the store owner had bought a giant garbage bag size of mini candy. There it was, neatly sitting in a fairy bowl, beckoning me to come over. I glanced at the choices and the gold wrapper of a caramel biscuit chocolate already made my mouth water. I dug in happily. Everyone is entitled to some indulgence, I figured.
I happily walked out of the Reading room munching on the candy with ardor that only chocolate lovers would know. Had I been anymore in love with it, I’d have run out and bought it flowers. I had two in hand and one halfway done. Valencia walked over to me with a customer behind her. “Here she is…she’s an amazing intuitive healer…” she said before she noticed that the candy monster in me had come out. I hadn’t even swallowed the piece of chocolate in my mouth. Healers are supposed to work on their diet and I do try with mine but I’m no Saint.
He wasn’t buying it either. He awkwardly smiled and asked what I did. I politely answered that I was an Angel Reader with an interest in Healing. “Tell him about his upper back”, Raphael whispered. “So…it looks like you’ve been having issues with your upper back…” I mentioned. Two seconds later, I was in a reading with him. Every time I closed my eyes, I would see Raphael behind him.
I noticed that Laila would happily nap on the floor next to me unless she felt that she was to comfort the client. I thought of my dog’s journey as well. She had grown so much in such a short span of time. She has turned into a healer dog who still manages to pick out cards with her nose. She also chases her tail plenty.
Animals are always in your life for a reason. I also started to notice that many pets end up with attitudes and ailments very similar to their owners. It also feels like they often attract owners with similar life stories as theirs. They tend to mirror everything. Check on your animals’ ailments and ask how similar they are to yours. For example, a deep bite mark on the middle back of the dog might be extremely similar to a deep pain in the middle of your back. Millie suffers from extremely dry skin, exactly like her owner’s. You can call on Raphael for healing with pets by just asking for his help. If you feel like you can’t hear him too well, ask for Divine Guidance and you will be led to the right people, supplies or remedies for your pet.
Oddly enough, Raphael is one of the clearest Archangels there and is very precise. And trust you me, if I can work with him, chocolate indulger and all, you can work with him too. Just ask. And importantly, if you are to try prayer healing, believe first ....just for those seconds even….that it will work. Faith truly does move mountains and heals in seconds, if it is for everyone’s greatest good.
Start to notice the things around you and don’t discount them immediately. Start to notice if that pain flares up only when you’re annoyed with someone or if someone is annoyed with you. Pay special attention to what your body does and wants in stressful situations. And most importantly, trust that you will either know what’s best for you or be given the right amount of guidance in order to take care of your body.
Oh, and watch for flying cards in your soup.
*Thank you to my special Healing Angels, Raphael and Angelea (who works with me during energy healings) for starting me on a journey that I never expected to have but truly, truly love. I am so lucky to get to do this*
Love you all,
Michelle
Is It Safe? Coming Out of the Spiritual Closet
I always knew that there was more to the physical world. I was raised Catholic so we were taught to have faith in Saints and Angels. There was also my Mom, who constantly awoke from descriptive dreams involving deceased people. Like the generations of women before her, my Mother’s dreams were extremely powerful.
As a child, I also understood that prayer always gave you answers. I could see my grades right after praying devoutly for miraculous marks, hours before my exams. At the time, the nerd in me would be upset if I saw a ‘B’ on my clairvoyant score card. I would also see some of the questions in my dreams weeks beforehand. Though I was extremely grateful, I usually took them to be a one of a kind experience and went about my normal, everyday life.
I would say that I pursued some pretty normal activities. I was a nerd in High School and in College. I did nerdy things and I achieved nerdy achievements. I figured out make up (somewhat) and loved socializing with almost everyone (except before an exam). “You have lots of friends…” the Dean of the Business College told me while shaking my hand, plopping a gold medal over my neck and posing for pictures “…and that’s really what counts.”
After the graduation, I was set to take on the business world and climb to its topmost ranks in a country where I was all by myself. Instead, I was drained physically, mentally and emotionally. I found that my hair stood on end before I could even see a person that would often cause trouble coming. I suddenly started to hear voices that sounded like a radio with a broken dial.
My abilities were starting to grow a mile a minute. I was even growing in my sleep. I discovered that I was hearing thoughts when my best friend, Dee was over. I repeated a sentence I had heard in my mind out loud. Her eyes bulged. “That’s….what….I…was…thinking…” She responded. Soon after, I was sensing energy and the absence of it. I quickly learned that the absence of energy caused even lumps to manifest physically. Energy was (and still is) fascinating.
Things took off in a whirlwind of light shows, ringing in the ears, mentors, lots of books and suddenly, angel oracle cards. I did my best to keep it under wraps. I had encountered plenty of reactions and I was not prepared to deal with the unloving or sometimes, just plain scared ones.
‘Those are demons’, ‘That’s just your imagination’, ‘Don’t dabble with these things’. Wait, wasn’t Joan of Arc Catholic? She heard voices, right? Oh wait, they burned her at the stake. Never mind.
Fortunately for me, I had an amazing support group that did allow for me to start doing readings on a daily basis. I was supported financially and even blessed with a place that allowed for me to work daily at readings. I loved it! (Check it out my first psychic workplace at www.angellightbooks.com) I remembered watching Dee, who is a professional dancer, dance her heart away. It seemed so wonderful to be at a job that gave you nothing but joy.
There I was, stuck in a job that required me to multi-task with seven projects of Excel worksheets, answer phones, print more ads and do more Math. I was miserable and quite jealous, really. I wanted to love my job, like she did hers.
It was then that I noticed it. Despite being extremely good at my 'practical job', I wasn't happy. I wanted to go to work thrilled to do what I did. As my mentor once explained to me, "You can do it (an office job) but it feels like a flame that doesn't warm you. When you do spiritual work, it's a flame that warms so hold it tightly to your chest....even when people are throwing water at it."
When I read for people, I feel the same energy that I witnessed Dee experience. My body brims with excitement and happiness. Here I am, little ol’ me getting to work with Angels, telling my clients things that will make their hearts sing. And of course, it also happens to be the truth. I get to share in their tears, their laughter and their new found determination to change their lives for an awesome better. I can feel my energy turn into different beautiful colors of healing and joy just because I can do what I love and work with people and Angels that I love to work with.
Simply put, I wake up extremely happy because I am a reader/healer.
I feared returning to my family as they had not seen my happy reading side. I was also quite unsure what to tell people. I worried about what they would think about me. After I reached India, my own very loving Father was already telling people that I was “a little crazy”.
Soon, conversations with people went something like this:
“So Michelle, what are you going to do next? Have you started looking for a job?”
“Errr…..no, I want to go back to errr….school. I gotta go, bye.”
What I was really thinking was:
Actually, I’d like to continue to be a reader. Did I mention that I like to work with Angels to help people spiritually? I’d like to continue being self employed. I like working that way. Also, I want to go to psychic school. I want to continue classes with my mentor who has done a fine job of putting up with me every time I discover a new type of energy that I haven’t seen before and want to discuss it or sound like something to be put in that X-men school.
I also have a huge interest in helping people heal their physical ailments by coming to terms with their emotions. I also get to teach people that it’s okay to be sensitive and encourage them to not ignore their feelings. I love my work. I really, really, really love my work.
I cringed at the thought of being considered abnormal or even worse, for my profession to be frowned upon. I had always focused on my reputation being as perfect as it possibly could. I was even more uncomfortable now that I no longer felt like Michelle but my Father’s daughter. I didn’t want to let him down.
I found that I would hunch my back lower. My confidence was gone. I wanted to protect who I was and decided not to tell anybody except those that knew me well. I was barely speaking to anyone on Facebook because it was difficult to tell them what I really loved to do. I still found it hard to pretend that all that happened to me wasn’t real. I know that if there’s one person you can’t lie to, it’s yourself.
Despite all that was going on around me, I couldn’t resist giving readings. So I started to give email readings instead. I felt this need to enjoy working the way I saw fit. I loved what I did. And that’s when I realized it. It was finally time to come out of the Spiritual closet.
So here I am, starting my new business in a completely different way. I am still learning to fly. Of course, I do have my fears about putting myself out there, especially in this way. However, the joy that I feel and get to give others more than compensates for anything people might have to say to me. I love the feeling of sunshine.
And besides, my wings were too big for that little closet anyways.
